u'll learn to live wid it...

as everyone says... dere's no age limit to learnin.... and for certain things.... its jus a process.... im nt talkin abt learnin a concept or subject.... im talkin abt learnin to live without certain ppl.....
i have never really talked abt dis.... all dese years i hav learnt to live widout papa... i never really thot it was possible.... bt soon realised dat it doesn't wrk dis way... infact it never wrks d way u expect it to.... some ppl say it helps if u talk it out.... bt i say even if u dont it doesn't matter coz u'll learn to live wid it.....
i don blame anyone for nt being able to talk abt it... it was a choice... a choice dat i made.... but now i probably think i shud've spoken up a lil earlier..... its nw dat i feel d need to be abl to talk abt it openly or atleast if i wanna....
wen i think of it... whom can i really talk to.... its jus like an elimination process at one of dese talent shows... its surprisin hw my bffs also cudn't pass dis elimination process.... i don blame no one... none i repeat... for dat matter... im even re - considerin r my friends really my friends??.... or will i learn to live wid out dem too??...
bt i knw one thing for a fact.... i'll learn to live wid wteva comes my way.... as always

in classs.....

my god......

dis is by far d most irritating and boring class.....

sittin beside Sesh but he's half asleep... everyone on my side... is really sleeping or having conversations widout involving me...

apart frm dem... d other side... with A uncle... KD.... Roops..... well dey r all cracking jokes but since i cant hear dem its even more annoying....

n in front of me.. is dis lady tryin to say d same damn thing for d past 1hr 15mins..... widout really makin sense....

if no1's askin her to stop... i'll jus continue writing.... and probably feel as lonely as i can in dis crowd of ppl!!!

i had almost posted dis... as she stopped talkin.... bt as shez bak in action..... so am i.!!!

i really don understand.... y is it dat... wen u smile d wrld smiles wid u.... bt wen u cry u r d only one cryin.....???? nt dat im cryin.... i cant always smile... make ppl laugh... or laugh at myself... der r times wen i wanna b serious... talk abt meaningful stuff......

k nw im sounding completely borin.... n d class had another half hour to go.... i hv jus one option left.... SLEEP!!

gud nite!!

situational poetry

amongst people

the room is so full

yet not so full

there is still a place

beating at a pace

waiting just for you!

college .... inorbit ..... home

wellll d day began wid a long day at college... though it ended at 4.. it was long.... long coz... der was no1 arnd... no1 arnd to talk to or even jus u knw have a stupid random conversation wid... it was jus too boring.... i had one class startin at 9... for which d faculty came in late... it wasn't even fashionably acceptable late.... it was a solid one hour delay....

well i cud bear dat.... bt den after d classs it was all d more boring.... i was free .... free until after lunch.... which i was to have wid Sesh.... well neway... while i was passin my time till lunch... dis guy.... a complete jerk if i may say so... K walked in... sat right beside me... started talkin to me.... sumtimes.. callin me his sister and sumtimes.... jus tryin to ask if i had a boyfriend... and if i was willin to make him my "special" friend...... i hardly understood wt he spoke.... atleast dis is wt i understood....

den came lunch.... lunch wid Sesh... never happened.... he had to go meet sum friend at d other end of d campus.... bt luckily or unluckily i met AD, spoke t him for a while.... den he gt busy.... den came B... welll its nt like i speak to him soo much.. it felt awkward.... jus d both of sittin.... tryin to make a conversation.... i swear if i were seein all dis from far off i wud understand dat d 2 ppl sittin on the table together are perfect strangers... welll dats hw it was.... weird....

well dat too passed away quite fast.... nd den it was tym to step into d class..... i actually enjoy dis class.. nt only bcoz i enjoy AD's company and constant chatterin bt also bcoz it makes a lot more sense than anyother classs... well today was extra special as i had t giv a presentation on a case study based o trade unions.... unfortunately... i had to giv it in 2 parts... n thus my second part felt too disconnected and it felt like i repeated myself a zillion times....

once d class was done.... i wantd to rush out of coll as i had plans.... plans dat included I....

i tried to get out sooner bt... instead gt stuck in an auto wher 4 ppl were crammed int d back seat.... it was unbearable.... i cudnt feel my knees.... i think i still cant feel dem.... finally reaached to whr d car was parked.... gt in... msgd I.... sooonn she was in d car n soonnerr we were in inorbit....

while i entered inorbit.... i reaalised hw my mind was concentratin on jus 1 thing... a bag.... a bag dta i cud take to coll.... as welll as use as a purse ... if i ever wanted to carrry one... all through d time dat we lukd at stuff i concentrated only on a bag... I, however looked at everything.... including bags for me....

soon we were hungry.... n i realised i was fastin today... bt i decided... instead of goin bak home n eating i wud jus eat ther.... so we ate.... cheked out another store..... finalised on two bags.... and while i decided we also had an ice cream.... between which i gt a call ..... a call frm mom....

a call frm mom.... jus ruined d "almost turnin out to be a good day".... she jus sed....

"do u really wanna spend sooo much? is it worth it?

i jus hung up....

i din wanna argue..... i knew it wud gt nowhr....

i gt a call agn ..... it was mom agn..... dis tym she sed

"see, buy if u wanna.... u neways want one.... dont u??"

i hung up agn.... dis tym wid a firm answer ..... "I DON WANNA BUY NETHIN"

gt out of d place asap.... dropped I... close to home.... n gt hme....

i knew she wud b mad dat i ate.... bt dat was nt d only thing she was mad about.... she was mad about y i dint buy d bag.... n y i wantd to buy a bag dat expensive...???

i don understand..... do i spend soo much.... on a daily basis dat shez askin me nt to buy.... she knows for me..... spendin is equal to investin..... i always look for d highest possible return...

im so mad at mom.... i mean y giv me money wen u don want me to spend a penny frm it....

wt if i was nt like d way im....

wt if i was a spendthrift....

wt if i was buying stuff dat i neva used....

wt if i jus spent money wid d drop of d hat....

wt if i were jus like other girls......

i hate it... i follow rules... i do as she says.... n still i gt a mood upsettin remark frm her always....

wt if i decide to b "nt so gud"???

wt if??......

to A .....

you're off to a new start,

while i still live at Q Mart!!

you're ready with all new clothes,

while mine still have holes!!

you'll have a new life,

while i might just become somebody's wife!!

you'll make a few more friends,

while i'll just bake a few more cakes!!

you're off to infosys,

while im here with just a Miss!!

as your bags are ready,

i hug my teddy.

saying goodbye a'int easy,

but i hope i'll be busy!!

i don d likesss.....

its been really long.... long since i spoke my mind... not jus here... bt otherwise as well...

der are certain things dat hav happened... dat i seem to not like.... not like to d extent dat i have been in a super bad mood...

to start of... i don like dat A's gone.... off to infosys leaving me all by myself.... in d stupid old building dats now lifeless....

i also don like dat im not able to spend quality time wid mum.. as well as I & V.....

apart from all dis der is sumthin dat hurts me more than anything... and dat is..... I ..... im sayin all dis here.... probably coz im nt reallly able to meet her... (nt even on friendship's day!!)

welll i hated it... still hate it dat she's been using d blog nt only to express herself.... bt also to communicate wid us... i mean us.... i understand it for A... bt for me.... hw can she... we live in d same city... she knows i am nt really able to access d net frm hme... even den... her last post abt friendship's day and us nt meetin.... it felt like.... she shud hav jus called n expressed wt she felt.... she cud hav screamed at me.... i wud hav felt better....

especially after watching parts of sisterhood.... i felt.... can we continue to share d same bond..? is it possible...??

i doubt....

and dis is wt i hate... i hate dat i have a doubt... a doubt abt remaining friends....

i don d likess..!!!!

courage

i sat in class while d director taught... well spoke wud b a better way to say it... he sed things which were amusin... also sumtyms unheard of.... n most of d tyms insulting.... bt unfortunately... d ppl wid d big big egos also don stand a chance in front of dis guy... he's jus too much for ppl to handle...

during d first class.... i actually thot it wud b fun.. bt nw i feel he's right.... he's been paid nt to teach.. or lecture... or even b d director... he's paid to show us d path.... he does not realise... he is showin d path on a no moon day..... wid no street lights...

i admire his knowledge... im proud to knw dat such an amazingly experienced faculty is teaching us... bt im ashamed of myself n my colleagues dat we cant stand upto him in class... its nt dta i wanna pick a fight wid him.... its jus dat... if u want to learn sumthin frm me... u hv to b open to discussions... sum sort of interaction... sumthin... n for a fact no1 will stand upto him even if dey hav a very intellectual doubt.... coz wen a person has a doubt... silly or intellectual... it always seems to be inconsequential....

its nt jus abt d class as a forum for discussion... its abt... jumpin to conclusions.... i don understand... hw such an old man can do soo much jumpin.... i mean... so much exercise... nt very gud at dis age... i mean... cant he jus ask in a manner dat every faculty asks... he says he's a faculty wen in class... n only outside a director... so wen in class cant he stop feelin like d director... can he make a mov from his side to make us feel comfortable while atleast communicatin wid him in class..... i don ask for too much... i don wanna bcum his buddy n give him a five wen i see him in corridors... i jus want to loose d fear....

n guess wt... my fear is such dat while i type dis... in d bak of my head im thinkin.. wt if... he gets a hold of dis blog... or wt if.... d other faculty members see it... n talk abt it to everyone.... im even thinkin of selectin d whole thing n pressin d delete button....

but i wont....

coz dis d only place whr im nt judged.. n wteva i do... is coz i wanna do it...

i here i really wanna post dis feelin of absolutely no courage wid a lil courage!!