u'll learn to live wid it...

as everyone says... dere's no age limit to learnin.... and for certain things.... its jus a process.... im nt talkin abt learnin a concept or subject.... im talkin abt learnin to live without certain ppl.....
i have never really talked abt dis.... all dese years i hav learnt to live widout papa... i never really thot it was possible.... bt soon realised dat it doesn't wrk dis way... infact it never wrks d way u expect it to.... some ppl say it helps if u talk it out.... bt i say even if u dont it doesn't matter coz u'll learn to live wid it.....
i don blame anyone for nt being able to talk abt it... it was a choice... a choice dat i made.... but now i probably think i shud've spoken up a lil earlier..... its nw dat i feel d need to be abl to talk abt it openly or atleast if i wanna....
wen i think of it... whom can i really talk to.... its jus like an elimination process at one of dese talent shows... its surprisin hw my bffs also cudn't pass dis elimination process.... i don blame no one... none i repeat... for dat matter... im even re - considerin r my friends really my friends??.... or will i learn to live wid out dem too??...
bt i knw one thing for a fact.... i'll learn to live wid wteva comes my way.... as always

in classs.....

my god......

dis is by far d most irritating and boring class.....

sittin beside Sesh but he's half asleep... everyone on my side... is really sleeping or having conversations widout involving me...

apart frm dem... d other side... with A uncle... KD.... Roops..... well dey r all cracking jokes but since i cant hear dem its even more annoying....

n in front of me.. is dis lady tryin to say d same damn thing for d past 1hr 15mins..... widout really makin sense....

if no1's askin her to stop... i'll jus continue writing.... and probably feel as lonely as i can in dis crowd of ppl!!!

i had almost posted dis... as she stopped talkin.... bt as shez bak in action..... so am i.!!!

i really don understand.... y is it dat... wen u smile d wrld smiles wid u.... bt wen u cry u r d only one cryin.....???? nt dat im cryin.... i cant always smile... make ppl laugh... or laugh at myself... der r times wen i wanna b serious... talk abt meaningful stuff......

k nw im sounding completely borin.... n d class had another half hour to go.... i hv jus one option left.... SLEEP!!

gud nite!!

situational poetry

amongst people

the room is so full

yet not so full

there is still a place

beating at a pace

waiting just for you!

college .... inorbit ..... home

wellll d day began wid a long day at college... though it ended at 4.. it was long.... long coz... der was no1 arnd... no1 arnd to talk to or even jus u knw have a stupid random conversation wid... it was jus too boring.... i had one class startin at 9... for which d faculty came in late... it wasn't even fashionably acceptable late.... it was a solid one hour delay....

well i cud bear dat.... bt den after d classs it was all d more boring.... i was free .... free until after lunch.... which i was to have wid Sesh.... well neway... while i was passin my time till lunch... dis guy.... a complete jerk if i may say so... K walked in... sat right beside me... started talkin to me.... sumtimes.. callin me his sister and sumtimes.... jus tryin to ask if i had a boyfriend... and if i was willin to make him my "special" friend...... i hardly understood wt he spoke.... atleast dis is wt i understood....

den came lunch.... lunch wid Sesh... never happened.... he had to go meet sum friend at d other end of d campus.... bt luckily or unluckily i met AD, spoke t him for a while.... den he gt busy.... den came B... welll its nt like i speak to him soo much.. it felt awkward.... jus d both of sittin.... tryin to make a conversation.... i swear if i were seein all dis from far off i wud understand dat d 2 ppl sittin on the table together are perfect strangers... welll dats hw it was.... weird....

well dat too passed away quite fast.... nd den it was tym to step into d class..... i actually enjoy dis class.. nt only bcoz i enjoy AD's company and constant chatterin bt also bcoz it makes a lot more sense than anyother classs... well today was extra special as i had t giv a presentation on a case study based o trade unions.... unfortunately... i had to giv it in 2 parts... n thus my second part felt too disconnected and it felt like i repeated myself a zillion times....

once d class was done.... i wantd to rush out of coll as i had plans.... plans dat included I....

i tried to get out sooner bt... instead gt stuck in an auto wher 4 ppl were crammed int d back seat.... it was unbearable.... i cudnt feel my knees.... i think i still cant feel dem.... finally reaached to whr d car was parked.... gt in... msgd I.... sooonn she was in d car n soonnerr we were in inorbit....

while i entered inorbit.... i reaalised hw my mind was concentratin on jus 1 thing... a bag.... a bag dta i cud take to coll.... as welll as use as a purse ... if i ever wanted to carrry one... all through d time dat we lukd at stuff i concentrated only on a bag... I, however looked at everything.... including bags for me....

soon we were hungry.... n i realised i was fastin today... bt i decided... instead of goin bak home n eating i wud jus eat ther.... so we ate.... cheked out another store..... finalised on two bags.... and while i decided we also had an ice cream.... between which i gt a call ..... a call frm mom....

a call frm mom.... jus ruined d "almost turnin out to be a good day".... she jus sed....

"do u really wanna spend sooo much? is it worth it?

i jus hung up....

i din wanna argue..... i knew it wud gt nowhr....

i gt a call agn ..... it was mom agn..... dis tym she sed

"see, buy if u wanna.... u neways want one.... dont u??"

i hung up agn.... dis tym wid a firm answer ..... "I DON WANNA BUY NETHIN"

gt out of d place asap.... dropped I... close to home.... n gt hme....

i knew she wud b mad dat i ate.... bt dat was nt d only thing she was mad about.... she was mad about y i dint buy d bag.... n y i wantd to buy a bag dat expensive...???

i don understand..... do i spend soo much.... on a daily basis dat shez askin me nt to buy.... she knows for me..... spendin is equal to investin..... i always look for d highest possible return...

im so mad at mom.... i mean y giv me money wen u don want me to spend a penny frm it....

wt if i was nt like d way im....

wt if i was a spendthrift....

wt if i was buying stuff dat i neva used....

wt if i jus spent money wid d drop of d hat....

wt if i were jus like other girls......

i hate it... i follow rules... i do as she says.... n still i gt a mood upsettin remark frm her always....

wt if i decide to b "nt so gud"???

wt if??......

to A .....

you're off to a new start,

while i still live at Q Mart!!

you're ready with all new clothes,

while mine still have holes!!

you'll have a new life,

while i might just become somebody's wife!!

you'll make a few more friends,

while i'll just bake a few more cakes!!

you're off to infosys,

while im here with just a Miss!!

as your bags are ready,

i hug my teddy.

saying goodbye a'int easy,

but i hope i'll be busy!!

i don d likesss.....

its been really long.... long since i spoke my mind... not jus here... bt otherwise as well...

der are certain things dat hav happened... dat i seem to not like.... not like to d extent dat i have been in a super bad mood...

to start of... i don like dat A's gone.... off to infosys leaving me all by myself.... in d stupid old building dats now lifeless....

i also don like dat im not able to spend quality time wid mum.. as well as I & V.....

apart from all dis der is sumthin dat hurts me more than anything... and dat is..... I ..... im sayin all dis here.... probably coz im nt reallly able to meet her... (nt even on friendship's day!!)

welll i hated it... still hate it dat she's been using d blog nt only to express herself.... bt also to communicate wid us... i mean us.... i understand it for A... bt for me.... hw can she... we live in d same city... she knows i am nt really able to access d net frm hme... even den... her last post abt friendship's day and us nt meetin.... it felt like.... she shud hav jus called n expressed wt she felt.... she cud hav screamed at me.... i wud hav felt better....

especially after watching parts of sisterhood.... i felt.... can we continue to share d same bond..? is it possible...??

i doubt....

and dis is wt i hate... i hate dat i have a doubt... a doubt abt remaining friends....

i don d likess..!!!!

courage

i sat in class while d director taught... well spoke wud b a better way to say it... he sed things which were amusin... also sumtyms unheard of.... n most of d tyms insulting.... bt unfortunately... d ppl wid d big big egos also don stand a chance in front of dis guy... he's jus too much for ppl to handle...

during d first class.... i actually thot it wud b fun.. bt nw i feel he's right.... he's been paid nt to teach.. or lecture... or even b d director... he's paid to show us d path.... he does not realise... he is showin d path on a no moon day..... wid no street lights...

i admire his knowledge... im proud to knw dat such an amazingly experienced faculty is teaching us... bt im ashamed of myself n my colleagues dat we cant stand upto him in class... its nt dta i wanna pick a fight wid him.... its jus dat... if u want to learn sumthin frm me... u hv to b open to discussions... sum sort of interaction... sumthin... n for a fact no1 will stand upto him even if dey hav a very intellectual doubt.... coz wen a person has a doubt... silly or intellectual... it always seems to be inconsequential....

its nt jus abt d class as a forum for discussion... its abt... jumpin to conclusions.... i don understand... hw such an old man can do soo much jumpin.... i mean... so much exercise... nt very gud at dis age... i mean... cant he jus ask in a manner dat every faculty asks... he says he's a faculty wen in class... n only outside a director... so wen in class cant he stop feelin like d director... can he make a mov from his side to make us feel comfortable while atleast communicatin wid him in class..... i don ask for too much... i don wanna bcum his buddy n give him a five wen i see him in corridors... i jus want to loose d fear....

n guess wt... my fear is such dat while i type dis... in d bak of my head im thinkin.. wt if... he gets a hold of dis blog... or wt if.... d other faculty members see it... n talk abt it to everyone.... im even thinkin of selectin d whole thing n pressin d delete button....

but i wont....

coz dis d only place whr im nt judged.. n wteva i do... is coz i wanna do it...

i here i really wanna post dis feelin of absolutely no courage wid a lil courage!!

bak 2 normal

finallyy.... thins luk like dey r gonna b bak to normal...

y??

dats coz mum's bak.... bak hme... its nt like im relieved.... its jus dat im delighted dat shez bak.... it gud to see her.... its gud to knw dat i can hav a variety of options for tiffin... dinner... :P

jokes apart.... dis tym... i did really miss her... it was unlike me... i usually... like to stay alone n all of dat.... bt dis tym it was different.... i wantd her for all d right reasons... majorly.. coz i was alone at hme... i cant live wid too many ppl at hme... bt i cant live widout mum at hme...

apart frm all dis..... i also gt a lil tym on hand to think.. n den re think.... wt im doin... n y i am doin certain things.... n so i hv taken up a resolution frm nw on... for a change....

firstly.... promised mum dat i wud make d mornin tea... everyday.... :)

den... decided dat i'll do all sorts of readin wrk in d bus... n durin free tym in coll....

apart frm dat... wanna do sumthin frm wt i learn.... n for dis... i hv thot dat d idea dat d twins n i came up wid... well its tym it saw sum ink... im gonna put it on paper... probably it'll b a lil different.. a lil weird... bt garunteed.. it'll b a lot of funnn!! :)

i want to hav fun.... if der is no tym for fun outside....well im all ready for it in coll.....

i wanna cum bak to normal wid a difference!!

nw dats wt i call - its different!!

yet again

here i am, waiting for you to come

come, come and sweep me off my feet

here i am, waiting for you to come

come, come and make my dreams come true

here i am, waiting for you to come

come, come and make me feel alive

here i am, waiting for you to come

come, come and take me in your arms

here i am, and here you are

you've come, but i stand on my own two feet

here i am, and here you are

you've come, and my dreams are still a dream

here i am, and here you are

you've come, and i still feel dead

here i am, and here you are

you've come, with someone else in your arms

here i am, waiting for someone else to come by.....

yet again

yet again, i have made that mistake. a mistake that repeatedly repeats itself.

well, i have done it again... i made sure mom was out of town, leaving me "almost" alone at home. i really thought i wud have lots of fun... crazy fun but unfortunately i have done nothing that is even close to fun....

all i have done is.... be in college from 9 - 6, for which i leave home at 7 and reach back at 9. i mean ther is no time left for fun... though the real fun happens late only (i dont mean anything dirty) i mean party - simple plain fun with my girls and all dat has happnd is me watching white collar on star world (though i did enjoy it)

comin to my girls... well dey jus make me detest guys and relationships. the other day dey were "supposed" to b together but dat wasnt d case really... dey were wid der ahem ahem ... i mean i jus hate it... its nt dat i don gt it... but its jus dat its time that im actually free (in a way) and even though they have time, they jus use it all up for being "together"

as for friends in coll.... im nt sure dey r really havin any time in hand.. n also doubt dat dey r open to d idea of a sleepover...

man.... i think im only gonna b seen partying wid either family or all by myself amongst strangers this weekend....

till later...

ideas

another outcome of boredom..... ideas..... i realised wen a person is bored its d best tym to get d big ideass....

hmmmm nw comin to my ideas... welll lots of dem.... particualrly abt d events at coll.... to start off.... a million ideas abt d coll newsletter... den abt d students' forum.... also d mutual fund at coll....

abt d newsletter.... im excited.... she actually appreciated me.... though its coz she wantd me to wrk for her.... welll abt d wrk... its gonna b fun... its nt jus formal.... we r allowed to make it a lil informal... wher we can include stuff like poems... short stories... sketches... etc....

n cumin to d students' forum... well i actually dreamed abt d whole event.... i mean... wt events... hw to organize... all of it.... though i also dreamed dat ppl r makin fun of me.... as in y am i wrkin for d coll... being sincere etc...

well d idea of d mutual fund has been in our minds since..... d summer... d internship gave us a lot of time to think abt d whole thing... it gave us time to think hw being at coll can b made more fun... we came up wid ideas nt jus to pass time... bt also to make life at coll more fun...

i wanna do sooo much.... boredom leads to ideas.... ideas lead to want.... d want makes u wanna do it.... so .... JUST DO IT!!!

inspired

wow.... wt a day it was yesterday..!! i mean really it was gud.... i expectd nuthin i guess dats why it was fun...

d coll ppl had organized sum sort of trainin programme... for us alll.... unlike wt was expectd... it was entertainin..... n yes inspirin.... i realised hw important it is to b der.... der as in be seen... be known.... u knw... dey actually inspired me to rethink my future... wt i wanna be... wt i cud be... wts in store for me.... wt cud b in store for me...

all dese questions haunted me... my future haunted me until.... until.... we were given a nice long lecture by d director..... i mean all he likes to do is..... make fun of ppl..... or degrade dem.... i mean he keeps tellin us.... to be positive.... to think gud.... bt wen it comes to him... i don think he has ever appreciated nebody... atleast i hvnt seen it happenin...

bt as d day ended... i realised.... wts d problem if sum1 criticises... its all good... i mean wt harm can it do... it must all b taken positively... coz der is no other way than 2 b positive...

till today i feel d vibes.... d positivity frm yesterday lingers arnd even today...

im lovin every bit of feelin dis way...

till 2moro wen agn i'll hv lots of free tym!!! :)

d end is here

well yes... d end is here... my day at coll has jus ended... as i hav reached hme...

durin my wait for d final class at 4... i did alot of useful things i realized.... created dis blog... gt a book for myself and a friend from d library... (for once i went willingly into d library).... gt my txtbuks frm d coll... n yes finally did attend d final class on international finance....

as for d class it was a big waste... i mean she spoke abt random stuff... which even a 10th grade kid cud talk abt... did my assignment for dis tooo... bt yet... no appreciation.... i think at d end of my PGDM program i'll learn to live widout appreciation....

well i don wanna talk abt old stuff.... nice things happend later....

i was chosen to b d editor of my college newsletter.... :D (happiiee) .... also... d juniors.... spoke abt their experience wid d director... which was fun to discuss.... n yes on my way bak had nice conversations wid d juniors as well as a few of my batchmates... :)

on d whole.... even though i waited for d whole day... wid no company frm my frends... i think i did enjoy... as i found dat dis way... i can really really say wt i wanna say... widout being interrupted....

as of nw.. im jus lovin d noise dis old keyboard is makin while i type... :)

appreciation

welll..... nw dis is something.... everyone craves for....

its all abt being appreciated.... u attended class... u wanna b appreciated.... u finished a day widout any major obstacles.... u want to b appreciated.... i mean everythin... every damn thing needs to be appreciated.... im pretty sure even the thugs.... terrorists... need d appreciation frm their leaders... guides.... or anybody.....

2day.... i need sumbody to appreciate me for being in college d whole day.... nt cribbin abt anythin.... eating right.... doin d assignment.... wearin a chunni.... !! everythin.... i don think i'd do anythin widout being appreciated abt it.... as of nw... i'd probably do my assignments precisely for d next one week... bt if im nt appreciated or even acknowledged.... i will strt takin it lite!!....

LITE..... a wrd dat haunts dis generation.... i don knw if we cud survive widout dis wrd.... i mean it.... seriously.... wts wid dis wrd ppl??.... r we so careless nt carefree... i wud nt say dat we r carefree... we r careless.... i mean i must hav used dis wrd 2day abt a 100 times.... n probably heard it more than a million times....

im nt tryin to say dat we shud change.... dis is wt we are... we cant deny dat... bt being careless.... we can change dat... i don wanna sound all preachy... its jus wts goin on in my mind....

i don expect me to stop using d wrd... or stop wantin to b appreciated.... as we all knw.... dere is more hunger for love and appreciation than for food!!

my first post...

welcome.... welcome to d wrld wher nuthin happens.... its jus too simple to be... its BORING!! its like... the clocks tickin away... while i do nuthin....

i strtd dis blog nt for ppl to read bt jus to keep myself occupied... n if u read it... probably ur as bored as me...

well i sit here in coll... classs.... in d last row waitin for my class which strts at 4!! (its only 2 nw).... d wait seems endless..... i thot while waitin i cud do lots of productive things wt a manager/ management student expected to do... bt unfortunatelyyy all i hv done is logged into facebook... twitter and d likes.... atleast 5 times...

talkin abt wt i did d whole day... welll had one class in d mornin.... abt project appraisal... spoke sooo much abt d olympics... loved doin d background study abt it.... but alas... to deaf ears... she (prof.) dint care... n as for my peers... dey appreciate anythin dat is not intellectual!!

well expecting the next class to end on a high note so dat i can feel alive again....

i jus hope its worth d wait....